Unpacking Montenegro's Wellness Machine: My Descent into 'Sweet Torture' and Olympic Aspirations

A dim room. Ambient music. And my legs, bare, being encased in crotch-high boots by a young man whose cheerfulness felt almost… threatening. He zipped them, pressed a button, and vanished. Panic. Slowly, from toes to thighs, the boots inflated. A giant blood-pressure cuff, tightening, clenching. My mind raced. What if they just kept going? Exploded legs seemed a distinct possibility.

Just as I braced to yell for help, the pressure vanished. A sigh of relief. My legs, suddenly, impossibly light. Nineteen more minutes of this strange, exquisite torment awaited. Welcome to Siro Boka Place in Montenegro, where ‘wellness’ takes on a rather intense, often startling, new meaning.

This wasn't some back-alley clinic. This was compression boot therapy, hailed for its circulation-boosting, swelling-reducing magic. “Especially effective on women over 35,” my youthful assistant chirped. Helpful. The hotel, barely a year old, boasts 'state-of-the-art wellness facilities.' Most hotels mean a tired treadmill in a closet. Siro? The Montenegrin Olympic team is training here, prepping for Los Angeles 2028. That’s a statement.

Beyond the Boots: Adventure Beckons

But the real world called. Siro sits squarely in Porto Montenegro, a glossy enclave hugging the Bay of Kotor, near Tivat. We ditched the yacht-watching for a morning ebike tour. From designer boutiques to ancient fishing villages. A sharp contrast. We pedaled to a promontory, gazing across at the legendary islet Our Lady of the Rocks. Then circled back, the red-roofed old town of Kotor shimmering opposite. An inland detour, up a switchback mountain road. Grateful for the electric assist? Absolutely.

The next day, more rugged pursuits. We hit the Vrmac mountain trails on foot, ascending to Gornja Lastva, a half-abandoned village suspended above Tivat. Onward to St Vid church, a solitary sentinel on the peak. The views alone justified the climb. A perfect spot for a picnic. Later, we took to the bay's calm waters by kayak. Blissful, just drifting on the sparkling expanse. More ambitious paddlers might even reach the famed Blue Cave on the Luštica peninsula, given time.

These adventures, from rock climbing to canyoning in the Drenoštica or Nevidio canyons, even paddleboarding on Skadar Lake, are all bookable through Siro’s local activity partners. Funtubing, efoiling, wakeboarding – the bay offers a full menu of aquatic thrills.

Back inside, the hotel’s structured approach to fitness continued. Group classes run almost constantly: yoga, pilates, mindful strength for the calm, or run club, Hyrox, and full body blitz for the truly ambitious. The gym – sorry, 'fitness lab' – is vast. Sixteen hundred square meters. Cardio, weights, functional training zones. And a rather lovely 25-meter outdoor pool on the third floor, overlooking the marina. Serious stuff.

During red light therapy, I had to lie in a coffin-like pod with the lid closed – not one for the claustrophobic.

All this exertion demanded recovery. Enter the 'recovery lab.' I found myself in a coffin-like pod, lid closed, for red light therapy. Near-infrared wavelengths, they say, reduce inflammation, speed muscle recovery, rejuvenate skin. Mostly, it was just warm. Pleasantly so. Once I stopped picturing myself being buried alive, of course.

A body composition analysis followed. I braced myself. Stand on a Seca Tru machine, hold the handles. Thirty seconds later, results pinged to my phone. Sorcery? No, 'bioelectrical impedance analysis,' measuring electrical currents through the body. Supposedly highly accurate, rivaling an MRI. Fascinating, though, poring over the data: muscle and fat mass, water levels, bone density, basal metabolic rate. Even 'phase angle' – a new one on me, indicating 'overall health, metabolic activity and nutritional status.'

My score: 88/100. Not bad for someone 'well over 35.' Then, a consultation with Hélène Boussiard, a French-trained clinical dietitian. We bonded over veganism. Less so over my late nights and fondness for a glass of wine. It wasn't groundbreaking news, really. I’ve been vowing to sleep more and drink less for decades. But her written report did add a certain urgency. A journalist, after all, needs to be sharp.

So, I indulged. A massage, or three. Two on a waterbed – rivals, apparently, are bringing the 80s back. One involved stretching. All were incredible. Cupping, dry needling, EMS therapy, percussive therapy – all on offer. So many hours in the day, so little time for full-body pampering.

Even the guest rooms encourage continuous self-improvement. Swedish ladders for pull-ups, wellness balls for core work, weights, resistance bands, yoga mats. And for actual rest? Meditation playlists, temperature-controlled mattresses, sunrise alarm clocks. They leave no stone unturned.

Siro Table, the hotel restaurant, predictably leans healthy. Breakfast is a spread of ferments, nuts, seeds, plus à la carte like avocado toast with poached eggs. Lunch and dinner feature abundant vegetable-based dishes. Add protein – chickpeas, tofu with courgette spaghetti, for example – to hit 'desired macros.' But it’s not all austerity. Chips, desserts, and wine are present. Downstairs, the Refuel Bar serves smoothies. The rooftop? An actual bar, with cocktails and Friday night DJs. Balance, perhaps.

After three days at Siro, I felt… transformed. Like an Olympic athlete, almost. Now, the real challenge begins. Maintaining this back home. I wonder. How much would a pair of those compression boots set me back?